Eat some fresh, locally harvested oysters

Given the proximity of Tomales Bay and/or the high concentration of lesbian in the city's water, oysters are popular here in San Francisco. You should eat some before you leave.

Oysters can be expensive, especially considering they're not exactly super substantive on a per-unit basis. Keeping this in mind, the following list of options is weighted towards the cheap-to-free end of the price range, allowing you to eat more oysters with the little money you have left over after paying the movers to ship all your worldly crap back to Minneapolis.

In San Francisco:

1. El Rio - Free oysters--fresh or barbecued--on Fridays starting at 5.30 until they're gone. (!!!--well, it is in Bernal Heights, and what better way to keep the neighborhood clientele happy than free oysters [well, maybe besides free Subaru and motorcycle valet parking or 2-for-1 plaid giveaways]?.) Don't forget to tip the oystress.

El Rio is a nice and divey place with pool, shuffleboard and a big back patio. It is also home to a Monday-Friday happy hour that has $2.50 beers and well drinks and that goes from 4 till 9.

2. Mecca - Half-price oysters (average price: $1.25) from 5 to 7 every day (including weekends) there's not a special event.

Mecca is a fancy place with expensive food and rich (or -looking--I never can tell) homos.

3. Hog Island Oyster Company - $1 oysters on Mondays and Thursdays, 5-7. (They also sell take-out oysters that you shuck at home.)

This bar in the Ferry Building gets crowded, so get there right at 5 or just cut in line and see what happens.

4. Woodhouse Fish Company - $1 oysters on Tuesdays.

Outside San Francisco:

Head up to Tomales Bay, where you can slurp from the source at a number of places, including Tomales Bay Oyster Company, Drakes Bay Oyster Farm, and Hog Island.


El Rio is located on Mission, south of Cesar Chavez. Mecca is on Market, east of Church. Hog Island is on the east side of the Ferry Building. Woodhouse is at the intersection of Market, 14th and Church. Tomales Bay is beautiful. Marshall and Pt. Reyes Station are two of the nearest towns to the oyster companies.

Get a latte at Ritual Coffee Roasters

Ok, I get that everyone and his similarly emaciated hipster brother has been to Ritual.

Fixie at your side, laptop slung over shoulder, and scarf tied just so, you've activated your irony beacon and homed in on the Valencia Street coffeehouse hanging the takeoff--see below--on the Soviet and Chinese flags out front.


Unfortunately you can no longer take chairs outside--evidently it impedes the strollers and wheelchairs of members of the bookends of the Mission social strata--so remind the nearest art student that he doesn't need four chairs to himself and grab a place at a table.

Their lattes are delicious (and well priced) and their hot chocolate above average. On information and belief, their normal coffee is also better than most, enough so that my friend with a whiskey-ravaged stomach--who probably should avoid coffee too--wants to get one every time he's in town on a weekend morning. I'm unsure about the rest of the drinks, but I'd be willing to bet they're also quite tasty.

Bottom line: the coffee is good enough to warrant both a special trip and the hassle of pulling on your leg warmers and pushing up your sleeves so your tattoos are in full view.

(Oh, the art up for sale is usually good too.)


Ritual Coffee Roasters is located on Valencia between 21st and 22nd. It is open Mon-Fri, 6AM-10PM; Sat, 7AM-10PM; and Sun, 7AM-9PM. There is another location, with much more restricted hours, in the Bayview at 1634 Jerrold, just west of 3rd Street.

Get a slice of the pizza of the day at Arizmendi Bakery

You're lying in bed at noon on a Saturday. You realize that there's no position into which you can put your head that will fully extinguish the pounding reminder that you were surely overserved the night before. The rumbling in the tum is beginning to rival the hammer in your head, but you've no food with which to sate the beast below.

Solution:
Pull yourself onto your bike, ride to Arizmendi in the Inner Sunset and get a piece (or three) of the thin-crust pizza of the day. Sweating it out on the way will help the head, and a $2 slice (or three) consumed on the bench in the sun across the street will satisfy the angry tum.


Arizmendi Bakery is a worker-owned cooperative on 9th, between Irving and Judah, that is open every day except Monday and sells many baked goods in addition to pizza. It has been open since 2000 and is loosely affiliated with the bakeries of the same name in Oakland and Emeryville, as well as with the Cheeseboard Collective in Berkeley. It is named after the Basque priest and labor organizer José Maria Arizmendiarrieta.

Eat at Palace Steak House

While not quite as grand as the name suggests, Palace Steak House is nonetheless worth a stop on an "I'm out of here" tour of this city's notable culinary destinations.

Sure, Morton's it is not, but it's got a hell of a lot more character than the Sizzler's you grew up going to with your grandparents, your legs sticking to its vinyl booths and the odd garlic bread crumbs that dotted them uncomfortably embedding themselves into your sensitive adolescent flesh because of those stupid short shorts your mom used to make you wear all the time.

Now that you don't wear short shorts anymore, it's safe to again frequent inexpensive steakhouses with vinyl booths.

And in the case of the Palace, you get a great steak, iceberg lettuce salad, baked potato and garlic bread for about ten bucks ($10). Not fucking bad. (Whether you find added value in the odd, decades-old decor or the odd, decades-long owners is up to you.)

Bonus points if you realize after eating here that for years you'd been walking by the sun-bleached sign


in the parking lot of the gas station at 17th and South Van Ness under which the bums sleep without realizing that it was advertising the very-extant PALACE STEAK HOUSE.


Palace Steak House (also known, somewhat mysteriously, as Palace Family Steak House [not to be confused with the band of the same name]) is located at 3047 Mission, at Cesar Chavez and has been open since 1968. It does not serve Niman Ranch beef, you snob. Extra special bonus points if you take your boyfriend there for his birthday.

Eat breakfast at Joe's Coffee Shop

If you've never understood the San Francisco obsession with crepe places and expensive brunches, and have also whined about the lack of cheap diners in this city, then hop on the bike and ride to Joe's.


A breakfast of eggs, meat, hash browns and toast can be had for less than five dollars. A buck or so more for an omelet. Other American/Italian/standard lunch offerings not much more than that.

This is the place you've been wishing for all those weekend mornings you've woken up with more pain in your head than cash in your pocket.


Joe's is located in the Richmond, on the north side of Geary, between 25th and 26th. It closes daily at 3PM.

Enjoy an ice cream cone from Mitchell's

Mitchell's ice cream is the perfect antidote for a postprandial and/or post-coital sweet tooth. Visit the shop at the edge of Noe Valley/the Mission/Bernal Heights, or look for the ice cream at restaurants around town.

Mitchell's has been open, in the same location and owned by the same family, since 1953.


It now offers everything from cones and cups to cakes and pies to sundaes, milkshakes and something called halo-halo (a traditional treat from the Philippines made out of "sweet beans and mongo beans, a blend of fruit, evaporated milk, shaved ice" and a scoop of ice cream).

Check out Mitchell's website for flavors, awards and more historical information. If you decide to visit, bring a book or someone to talk to/make out with, as you may have to wait in line.


Mitchell's Ice Cream is located on San Jose Ave. (Guerrero St.) at the corner of 29th. It is open 7 days a week, from 11AM to 11PM. Interestingly, Mitchell's does not distribute its ice cream outside of the Bay Area.

Eat a weekday lunch at SFAI

Spectacular views of the city and the bay. A mural by Diego Rivera. Exhibits of student art that rotate on a weekly basis. Great, cheap, healthy food. There are few better places to eat lunch in San Francisco.

Half Italian/Spanish monastery and half poured-cement Modernist angularity, the school building itself is pretty great. You first enter a quiet courtyard with a fountain at its center, trees providing shade, and student art hanging on the walls along the periphery. A bell tower looms overhead. To the left is the Diego Rivera Gallery, home of the eponymous mural as well as year-round student-run exhibitions of student artwork. To the right are various classrooms and administrative offices. If you continue straight through the courtyard and up the ramp you enter the modern addition to the original building. A curated gallery exhibiting the work of professional artists is on the left. Past that is the cafe.

They've got all the coffee drinks, bagels and other similar snacks, a full sandwich menu and heartier specials--e.g., roast 1/4 chicken, dal and rice, Thai curry, different salads and flatbread pizzas--that change daily. There are always at least a couple veggie options. I've not seen anything over eight bucks, and you can usually eat something delicious that will fill you up for about five. Eat your lunch inside at one of the tables, or, even better, up on the roof, where you can enjoy the food and the view at the same time.


The San Francisco Art Institute is located at 800 Chestnut, a block and a half west up the hill from Columbus. The cafe is open for lunch, on weekdays only, until 2pm. Your best bet is to bike, though the 20 and the 30 buses both service Columbus. It might even be worth the cab fare. For more information about the architectural history of SFAI, go here.

Get Mexican and beers and eat in Dolores Park

Since prehistoric times, man has found comfort and clarity in eating outside. Only recently has he taken to eating microwaved frozen science projects while seated in overstuffed reclining chairs and facing flat panels frenetically churning with consumerist imagery. The delivery man and the drive-thru are the mallet and stake piercing the now-clogged heart of America's healthy, fresh-air digestion.

All of which bring us back to grabbing a burrito, a tall boy of Tecate and taking them to the gentle green slopes of Dolores Park. Find an unpeopled bit of grass and call up your friends to join you. Bring a book or a frisbee or that little one-hitter you bought from your sister's stoner girlfriend when you visited her at Smith while still in high school. Don't forget a jacket though, as this is San Francisco, Land Devoid of Warm Nights.

Your hunter-gather forebears would be appalled if you moved to Brooklyn without having spent an evening eating on the grass in the sunny Mission. Tsk tsk.


Dolores Park is bounded by 18th and 20th north and south, and by Dolores and Church on the east and west. It is usually quite crowded on a nice day or evening, but there's always room for one more. Additional optional accessories depend on the part of the park in which you choose to sit: fixie and ironic smirk (corner of Dolores and 18th), attention-starved dog and/or soccer ball (the dusty plateau behind the basketball courts), a young child (the playground directly in the center), a Speedo, tanning oil and mirrored Prada sun glasses (the upper corner at 20th and Church).

Eat at Spices

I understand if you've given up on Chinese food, having scavenged leftovers from twice-weekly catered lunches since you first started at whatever boring office job you've got going these days. In your book, Mr. Henry Hunan and all his culinary cousins can go to hell--though far be it for you to refuse a free meal, so you'll just go on reheating your kung pao chicken and pork fried rice, silently vowing to never again actually pay for this shit.

Well, it's time to discover the cure for the common Chinese place: Spices.



With two in the Inner Richmond and one in Oakland, you've got a few choices. I recommend Spices II on 6th Avenue at Clement, though epileptics and those easily distracted may want to avoid this location because of the neon! Chinese music videos! disco ball! twirly laser lights! hot, girlish waitresses!

The food here is great and the portions are huge--one entree, two starters for two people is more than enough--and cheap. Make sure to try the spicy cucumber, salt and pepper chicken, pork shoulder (ignore the squeamishness-inducing jiggling mass of fat in which the good stuff comes enveloped--the waitress will cut through all that for you, no prob), or anything labeled "Explosive Chili Pepper".

Sure, your waitress may look indifferent as she snaps her gum when she's taking your order or absentmindedly twirling her hair just before delivering your plates--but she's hot--and you may realize hours later that "Spices" could probably refer to both the start and finish of the digestive process--but the food tastes great and you've most likely got leftovers--and the front of the place vaguely resembles a Chinese-language cell phone store--I've got nothing on this one--but it's worth it.

Besides, there probably is no place like this where you're moving.


Spices and Spices II, mere blocks from each other, are both in the Inner Richmond while Spices III is in Oakland's Chinatown. Be sure to check out their odd--what, no Oakland location?--website before you go.