Play gay soccer (or at least buy a gay-soccer calendar)

San Francisco is both an athletic city and a rather gay one. Those qualities--plus a bridge and some hills--combine to make it unique in the minds of many. But how is one to combine the "athletic" and the "gay" outside of a musty gym locker room and attached group showers?

One answer: the San Francisco Spikes.



One of the oldest gay soccer teams in the United States, the Spikes were one of five teams to compete in the first Gay Games, held in San Francisco in 1984. These days, the club is composed of two teams: the "Marin Team," which is the more competitive of the two and plays on Saturdays in the Marin Soccer League, and the "San Francisco Team," which is more recreational and competes on Sundays in the San Francisco Soccer Football League.

Both teams' seasons run approximately from March to September of each year, and combined practices happen once a week--outdoors during the season and indoors in the off-season (on the fields at Mission High School and in the gym at the Eureka Valley Recreation Center, respectively).



For info on how to join the team and how much it costs, game and tournament (including international tourneys) schedules, and other pertinent info, go to the About Us section on their website.

But for all you armchair enthusiasts out there with a space on your wall and a hand in your pants, you could always just spend 20 bucks and buy the 2009 Men of the San Francisco Spikes Calendar.





(10% of all calendar sales go to the soccer-related charity Little Feet, with the rest going to help with team expenses.)


Mission High School is at 18th and Dolores. The Eureka Valley Recreation Center is at 19th and Collingwood. Photos of the team courtesy of the Spikes' website. Hot calendar photos courtesy of photographer Blake Tucker at BLAKETUCKER.COM.

Ride the Wolfpack Hustle

Do you live in San Francisco and have a certain amount of antipathy towards our bigger southern neighbor? Smog, traffic, fake boobs, bleached hair, surf culture, bling bling, road rage, endless sprawl, image, style, no substance...no, I'm not talking about San Jose; I'm talking about Los Angeles.

Well, if you have a bike and like to a. ride, b. ride fast, and c. ride fast at night, you now have a reason to visit Los Angeles (!): Wolfpack Hustle.


An amazing--a-m-a-z-i-n-g--way to experience an otherwise not-so-bike-friendly city, Wolfpack Hustle is a 25- to 50-mile ride that begins at a donut shop in Silverlake


at 10PM every Monday. People gather with their bikes--geared or fix--and await the announcement of directions to the first stop, chatting, smoking pot, whatever. A two-minute warning is given and then--bam!--you're off to the fucking races (but not really, because it's not a race.) An all-out effort is made, at speeds mostly above 20MPH: skirting cars, around pedestrians and through (some) red lights.

Like Critical Mass, the route changes every week. Unlike Critical Mass, you may feel the need to puke up that quesadilla, bag of Skittles and can of Tecate you naively consumed--thought this was gonna be like Critical Mass, huh?--immediately prior to pounding the shit out of your pedals as you whiz down Sunset into West Hollywood clubland, streaking past the dropping jaws of the drunk and drugged staring at the pack of 25 bikers hustling past.

You arrive at the first stop. You catch your breath, have some water, bullshit with the other riders. Maybe you take a piss. Then comes the next batch of directions, with corresponding stop. Two-minute warning. Bam! Go!

Along the way you take in the (nighttime!) metropolis, watch out for potholes, talk when you can, occasionally see your semi-delirious grin reflected on the face of the rider next to you, draft a lot, and--above all--keep up.


A few hours after you began, you return to the start, bullshit some, get a donut, stretch a bit, and go home. Next week the route is different; hopefully you can make it.


Wolfpack Hustle is fucking awesome. It is a ride that has been going for well over 52 weeks straight, and is faintly reminiscent--a bunch of (mostly) dudes come together in the middle of the night to work, sweat, and (occasionally) bleed, damning (in this case) automotive society, and whatever sort of on-the-job Tuesday a five-hour night of sleep will bring, to hell--of Fight Club. For another account of what it's like to ride, go here. I worship, from afar, the people who started it.

Vote NO on Proposition H

Lucky for all of us, you're not leaving the city till after the municipal elections on November 6th, meaning one more vote against Proposition H. Funded by what the SF Bay Guardian likes to demonize as "downtown interests" led by Republican (in San Francisco?!?!?!) Don Fisher, founder and chairman emeritus of Gap, Inc., this loser of a ballot measure will effectively mandate more parking spaces in the city, putting more four-wheeled menaces in the path of your scrawny ass and its two-wheeled steed.

Organizations against Prop. H are many and as varied as (partial list):

San Francisco Democratic Party
Sierra Club
Senior Action Network
Hayes Valley Neighborhood Association
Haight Ashbury Neighborhood Council
San Francisco Tenants Union
Teachers for Social Justice
CC Puede
etc., et al.

Are you willing to oppose the Dems, the environmentalists, the old, the yuppies, the hippies, the renters, the teachers AND the Latinos, among others?

Read up on the SF Bike Coalition's response to the measure (and its concurrent support of pro-MUNI Proposition A) here. And, if you're so inclined, there's another community group's viewpoint available here.

As a proposition and not a preparation, this stinker is more likely to cause than to cure hemorrhoids. And really, who wants hemorrhoids (or more cars on the road in San Francisco)? Not you, surely!


Here is a short profile on Don Fisher. (My friend who works at the Gap tells me that he's a real asshole.) If you're wondering about voter registration and polling places and other such information, see what the SF Department of Elections has to say. (The last day to register for the upcoming election is October 22.) And, of course, you can always do your part for a bikeable city by joining the good old SF Bike Coalition.

Go to Baker Beach on a nice day

Perhaps a banal suggestion, but it's probably one you haven't followed as often as you should have.

Nice days in the Presidio are like affordable housing in San Francisco, so if you receive reports that it might be fog-less and warm out there, go. However, it is likely that many will have been struck with the same idea, so avoid the crowded parking lot by taking the bus or riding that darn bicycle of yours.

List of things to bring:

1. Towel
2. Swimsuit (optional if you head to the north end of the beach--see below)
3. Tall boy(s) of Tecate
4. A soccer ball (or some other sporting good with which to hit oblivious sunbathers/little children running around in screaming packs/lecherous old men watching oblivious sunbathers and/or little children running around in screaming packs)
5. Sun block (in San Francisco?!)

Gratuitous and wholly unnecessary picture of naked people on Baker Beach:


Baker Beach is located in the Presidio. It is served by the 29 bus, which directly intersects the 1, 2, 5, 31, 38, and 71 lines, and (talking about the 29 still) is one block off the N-Judah at 19th and Irving in the Sunset. On bike, take Lake Street west from Arguello or, if you want to go through Golden Gate Park, exit the park and go north on 24th or 26th, changing to 25th as it descends towards the beach after Lake. (Here are a few online Muni maps.) Picnic tables and barbecues are available near the parking lot. Restrooms are available too.

Go to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival

The Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival is usually held on the first weekend in October. (This year it's 10/5, 10/6 and 10/7.) It's a free, three-day outdoor show in Golden Gate Park attended by a few hundred thousand people.

While it started out as a blue grass-only affair, it has now grown to include other types of music (which don't stray too far from bluegrass, e.g., folk, country, alt-country, and so on).

Notaries this year include Jeff Tweedy (Wilco), Los Lobos, Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch and Neko Case.

Important details:

1. Free
2. Blankets, short-back chairs and coolers are allowed.
3. Bike parking will be available (see map).
4. Free


A schedule of acts, as well as a map and other pertinent information, is available on the event's website. Here is a short NPR article about the festival. Here is an SF Bay Guardian interview with Warren Hellman, the guy who personally funds the whole thing.

Attend the Folsom Street Fair

Remember when your mother had to actually tell you not to talk to any stranger leading a naked man in a black leather mask around on a leash?

Or that time you were grounded for a whole week after your father found Billy, the deaf-mute kid who lived next door, handcuffed to a heating pipe in your basement one too many times?

And how about the parent-teacher conference where Mrs. Ashley opined that your enthusiasm for spanking and other forms of corporal punishment just might not be a good fit with the Montessori model?

Well, this Sunday, September 30th, is your day, as "the world's largest leather event" comes to town.


Join the 400,000 (!) or so other people on Folsom, between 7th and 12th and, if you're lucky, you just might happen upon a leather-booted and corset-clad Mrs. Ashley applying the riding crop with gusto to the exposed bottom of a bound-and-gagged Mr. Ashley.


The Folsom Street Fair takes place every year on the last Sunday in September. This year the whole to-do starts at 11AM and ends at 6PM. Admission is free, with a suggested donation of $5. All proceeds from gate donations and drink sales will go to benefit local charities. (The deal for charity aside, it might be best to pick up a tall boy [of Tecate, for instance] or two and imbibe on your way there, taking care, of course, to properly recycle your adult beverage container.) In an interesting partnership, the San Francisco Bike Coalition will be providing free bicycle parking and, for a $5 charge, bag and coat check, with proceeds going to the Coalition and the aforementioned charities. (Information for motorcycle parking and helmet check can be found on the bicycle parking page above.)

Abandon your old furniture outside of Danielle Steel's house

You've got to get rid of that beer-stained couch before you move out.



The bestselling romance novelist Danielle Steel lives in a 55-room Beaux Arts-style mansion on Washington, at Octavia, in Pacific Heights.



Mere coincidence? Or a cosmic sign that the meeting of your sofa and her sidewalk was written into Destiny's pages by the pen of Fate? You decide.

(If you consult Google's Street View, you'll see that Octavia, being the more minor of the two streets, is probably the better on which to dump the offensive love seat.)


The Spreckels Mansion, as Ms. Steel's residence is known, was built in 1913 by the sugar heir and racehorse owner Adolph Spreckels for his wife, Alma. If you've been to Union Square (or seen the movie The Conversation), it is likely you've seen the likeness of Alma, as she served as the model for this statue. Adolph and Alma also donated the money, and much art, to found the Legion of Honor museum in the Outer Richmond. For more information about Danielle Steel, see this article and interview. (In case you do, and then wonder where else you might have heard the name Tom Perkins, see here for an answer.) . For more information about Alma de Bretteville Spreckels, see this short biography. And for more information on the history of the California Palace of the Legion of Honor, see here.

Go for a bike ride through the Alexander and Russian River Valleys

Remember that $4000 Cannondale you bought when you first moved to Cow Hollow? Do you still know where it is? If so, take it to a bike shop and have them tune it up for you in time for the weekend. Ignore the snarky comments they'll (rightly) make about the pristine condition of your tires. You can tell them that you are so excited to be going on a gorgeous bike ride through the same Alexander Valley that supplies the wine to all of your "fave" restaurants in the Marina. Don't mind the blank looks on the mechanics' faces--the only kind of wine Zeitgeist serves comes in juice boxes.

Highlights of this 45-mile trip include the kind of scenery plump, prosperous people from Tennessee on flights home from San Francisco talk about having seen from the tinted windows of an air-conditioned bus while on a Napa wine tour--"we just adooore Napa"--except this isn't Napa, so there aren't a zillion cars and there's more than two routes you can take on your ride through the valley.

Stop for lunch at the Jimtown Store--"the cool place with the hot name"--for a snack and a water refill.

To add some hills to an otherwise-flat ride, when following the directions on the linked-to route slip below, turn right off Hwy 128 just before Jimtown onto the misleadingly named Pine Flat Road for a hill-assisted view of the valley. (Pine Flat dead ends 12 miles off of 128, the last two miles of which are said to compose the steepest section of road in the county.)


For a map and directions, a route slip created by the Santa Rosa Cycling Club is available here. To add about 12 miles onto the route's total, turn right and continue on Hwy 128 north after Jimtown instead of continuing straight onto Alexander Valley Rd. Take Hwy 128 all the way to Geyserville, turning right on Geyserville Ave. Follow Geyserville Ave. under the 101, where it changes to Canyon Rd. Take Canyon Rd. up the small-ish hill until it dead ends at Dry Creek Rd. Turn left onto Dry Creek Rd. and follow that until you come to downtown Healdsburg. At this point, find Mill St./Westside Rd. and resume the directions given on route slip. See here for a map of the addition.

Join up with a Critical Mass

Honestly, are you really going to move away without having taken part in the original free-form expression of a collective bike-centric consciousness? I didn't think so. Joining up is one step to making sure that bicycle-hating Republican warbots don't descend from the heavens and eat your children.



(What an asshole!)

Anyway, go out back, dust off that 30-pound bruiser that you bought off the junkie outside 16th Street BART and then quickly forgot about, and haul it to Justin Herman Plaza before 6PM on the last Friday of any month. You'll know you're in the right place when you see about eight hundred other people lolling about on two wheels, waiting for the unspoken signal to get rolling and take back the streets (for a few hours) from soon-to-be-outraged (but normally dangerously oblivious) motorists.


Don't forget your heaviest U-lock, handy for securing your bike outside a Tenderloin liquor store after you run out of Tecate or throwing through the windshield of an irate soccer mom's minivan.


Critical Mass is just plain cool. It happens on the last Friday of every month and follows no particular route. Feel free to lament the fact that you missed out on the oft-proposed "taking of the [Golden Gate] Bridge", but know that It Could Happen To You. And despite jokes to the contrary, don't be an asshole and provoke soccer moms into pointless confrontations just because they happened to inch forward when you were self-righteously blocking an intersection; remember that the maternal instinct to get back to Lafayette as fast as possible in order to microwave frozen TV dinners for the kids is biologically ingrained to a sometimes murderous extent. Don't mess with the soccer moms, you fixie-riding schmuck. PS - Even Google likes bikes.

Camp at Kirby Cove

The countdown to grad school in New York has barely begun and you're already getting teary-eyed over any mention of the Golden Gate Bridge. Your absentminded doodling at work has increasingly resulted in sketches of trees, birds, the San Francisco skyline and fog--oh wait, that last one is really just the dried result of a sneeze. What better place for a send-off bash than the campsites at Kirby Cove?


With only four sites, a sandy beach, and a close-up view (when not occluded by fog) of the bridge, with the city in the background,


you'll have to be diligent in your efforts to obtain a reservation. Luckily--unlike the 7-months-in-advance system of most California State Parks--you and every other REI member in San Francisco have only a 90-day window to battle it out to reserve a spot, meaning that you can have a fun, black-out weekend-with-a-view with nine of your friends before you have to concentrate your energies on finding the perfect sub-$1000 place in Brooklyn.


Kirby Cove is a campground just over the ol' Golden Gate in the Golden Gate National Recreation Area. Reservations attempts are made by phoning 877.444.6777 or online at recreation.gov. There are four campsites with fire rings--bring wood--that cost $25 each per night and allow a maximum of 10 people and 3 cars per site. You have to walk all of your shit down (and up) a big hill, so leave the portable fondue set at home. And don't forget ear plugs--ever wondered what a foghorn sounds like up close at 3.30AM?

Enjoy the views from Buena Vista Park

Whether you're looking for a view of the northern part of the city, downtown and the bay, or of aged citizens walking their dogs through surprisingly natural-looking (for a park) greenery, or of lone middle-aged men peering out at you from said greenery, you will find what you seek in Buena Vista Park.



Which of these you'll see more of depends on the time of day and the part of the park you visit.

Bring a picnic lunch and sit on the grassy spot at the top of the park. For a better view, head down and east from the top to the solitary bench that looks north through a break in the trees.

If tennis is your thing, there are courts at the park's far eastern end.

And if you fancy a different sort of workout, head off a trail and wait in the undergrowth, counting out the syllables in "Sen-a-tor Lar-ry Craig" with taps of your foot to pass the time.


Buena Vista Park is easily accessed from Haight Street at Central Avenue in the Upper Haight. Larry Craig is a Republican senator from Idaho who has voted for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, against expanding the definition of hate crimes to include sexual orientation, and against prohibiting job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, and who was recently arrested by a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, and who subsequently pleaded guilty as a result of this arrest.

Go for a swim in Bass Lake

It's understandable that you may be antsy--this being one of your last weekends and all--about not having sampled enough of Bay Area nature since moving to San Francisco. Day-to-day life, with its chores and hangovers, got in the way, and suddenly your days are numbered and you've begun to sweat. Lucky for you it's the heat that's the cause, and that now you've got a beautiful way to cool off, Marin-style.

Bass Lake is part of the Point Reyes National Seashore and is located near the town of Bolinas. It's a pretty little thing that comes at the end of about a 2.5-mile easy-ish hike. Strip down to your bathing or birthday suit--nude bathing is supposedly common here--and jump in. There is a recurring rope swing somewhere on the shore, much to the consternation and resulting efforts of officialdom, so keep and eye out and be careful if you find and attempt it.


To get there, take Highway 1 north from Stinson Beach. Just north of Bolinas Lagoon, turn left on exit to Bolinas. (The welcoming Bolinas residents regularly tear down the sign that marks this turn-off, so you may have to resort to guesswork here.) Follow the road as it curves along the lagoon and eventually ends at Olema-Bolinas Road, and continue along Olema-Bolinas Road to the stop sign at Mesa Road. Turn right on Mesa and drive four miles, until it becomes a dirt road and ends at a parking lot. Take the Palomarin Trail from the dirt lot. After a couple of miles you'll come to a junction. Continue left on the Coastal Trail. You'll eventually see the lake, so at this point begin searching for a small path to the water's edge.

One word: Alcatraz

Enough said.


Alcatraz is possibly the most famous island in the world. It's the one with the lighthouse that you see when looking north across the bay from (god help you) Fisherman's Wharf. It can also be seen in the miniature on everything from handbags to fleece vests to shot glasses to smashed, engraved pennies that cost a dollar. It has starred in a number of movies, including:

Escape from Alcatraz,


Birdman of Alcatraz,


Murder in the First


and, of course,

The Rock

If you've already been there and are tempted to go back for a final farewell, it might be fun to instead pose as a tour guide and see how many unsuspecting folks you can sign up for a "scenic driving tour" of the island. Report back when finished.

Go to Burning Man

Your neighbor, your boss, two of your college friends and the girl you hooked up with on Saturday night are all going. Everywhere you go these days--from the Marina to the Mission--you hear talk of camps and costumes and rides out there. Sure, you may think you're not be "that kind of person", but you'll never know until you try.

If you ask me, I think you should delay the flight to London and join the 44,000 others in making the trek into the Nevada desert. At the very least, the extra week of warmth will do you good.


Burning Man officially starts on August 27 and lasts till September 3. It's located in the temporary metropolis of Black Rock City, NV. Information about tickets, which currently cost $280, can be found here. To quote the event's website: "Trying to explain what Burning Man is to someone who has never been to the event is a bit like trying to explain what a particular color looks like to someone who is blind." Cliché, but essentially true.

Get Mexican and beers and eat in Dolores Park

Since prehistoric times, man has found comfort and clarity in eating outside. Only recently has he taken to eating microwaved frozen science projects while seated in overstuffed reclining chairs and facing flat panels frenetically churning with consumerist imagery. The delivery man and the drive-thru are the mallet and stake piercing the now-clogged heart of America's healthy, fresh-air digestion.

All of which bring us back to grabbing a burrito, a tall boy of Tecate and taking them to the gentle green slopes of Dolores Park. Find an unpeopled bit of grass and call up your friends to join you. Bring a book or a frisbee or that little one-hitter you bought from your sister's stoner girlfriend when you visited her at Smith while still in high school. Don't forget a jacket though, as this is San Francisco, Land Devoid of Warm Nights.

Your hunter-gather forebears would be appalled if you moved to Brooklyn without having spent an evening eating on the grass in the sunny Mission. Tsk tsk.


Dolores Park is bounded by 18th and 20th north and south, and by Dolores and Church on the east and west. It is usually quite crowded on a nice day or evening, but there's always room for one more. Additional optional accessories depend on the part of the park in which you choose to sit: fixie and ironic smirk (corner of Dolores and 18th), attention-starved dog and/or soccer ball (the dusty plateau behind the basketball courts), a young child (the playground directly in the center), a Speedo, tanning oil and mirrored Prada sun glasses (the upper corner at 20th and Church).

Get drinks at The Eagle

A coworker friend of mine once commented that every bar he'd ever seen called The Eagle turned out to be a gay bar. (That this comment was prompted by the address of the website for a Phoenix plaintiff's attorney that we were about to join in a conference call is another story.) Though lacking in hard, penetrative empirical evidence, a quick web search leads me to believe that he may have had his finger right on the g-spot of a trend in naming.

And guess what? San Francisco has its very own Eagle, perched conveniently in SOMA and waiting for you. With a pool table, really cool biker decor inside and a huge outdoor area sporting a 49er/Gold Rush theme reminiscent of Knott's Berry Farm, as well as an impressive collection of men's underwear tacked to the ceiling, you owe it to yourself to make it there before you leave.


The Eagle is located on 12th at Harrison. Thursday nights boast live music with a cheap cover and Sunday afternoons feature the $10 all-you-can-drink (of cheap beer, for three hours) Beer Bust, where you can find tons of these:


a few of these:


and hardly any of these:

Visit the Marin Headlands

The Headlands are the brown/green hills you can see--when there isn't fog, at least--directly across the Golden Gate Bridge. The road that snakes up to the top of Hawk Hill "affords spectacular views of San Francisco" and is a part of the popular "Headlands Loop" bike ride that many cyclists make a part of their training regimen. (For those who don't know, this is easily doable after work during the summer months.)

It is likely that you visited the Headlands if you came to San Francisco as a tourist before moving here. Ditto if you've lived in the city for a while, have a bicycle or access to some kind of personal motorized transport and have entertained out-of-town visitors. But if you're like my friend who recently left San Francisco after living in the Bay Area for six years and had never been to the Headlands and didn't have a car...take the bus--see below.

Lots of good stuff to do/see here. There's Point Bonita Lighthouse, a Nike missile silo, a beach, a lagoon, a hostel, lots of hiking and mountain biking trails and a nice place to view the sunset (when there isn't fog).


The 76 Marin Headlands runs only on Sundays and holidays. Here is a schedule and a route map.

Check out the Richard Serra sculpture at UCSF Mission Bay

For those that don't know who Richard Serra is, here is a bit of a primer.

My quick synopsis, though, is that he's an artist who is best known for making these mammoth metal sculptures that are usually intended for some specific outdoor site. Eli Broad, some really rich dude who really loves LA, likes his work, as does whoever organized the retrospective currently going on at MOMA in New York.

In the case of UCSF Mission Bay, you've got two 50-foot-tall, 80-ton slabs of steel facing each other in the middle of a dirt courtyard and tilting slightly in opposite directions.

(un-justice-doing picture)

Beyond the easternmost slab is Third Street, China Basin and the East Bay. Benches are conveniently placed for enjoying a tall boy of Tecate while watching the setting sun inflame these rust-colored hulks.

Also, be sure to check out the chain netting partially enshrouding one of the parking garages on the campus--specifically, how it can also appear to be a solid indigo-colored panel, depending on where you're standing. It's hard to describe, but is cool in person.


UCSF Mission Bay is located at the corner of Third Street and 16th, and is accessible by, among other things, bicycle and the T Third Street. The sculpture in question is visible from Third Street and is located in a plaza, evidently called Gene Friend Way, located between Third and Fourth. The plaza and the parking garage--the latter labeled Community Center Garage--are on this map. Here is an article about the rather difficult installation of the piece.

Go to Yosemite

So you're from Massachusetts, grew up "vacationing" in Vermont, and went to some small, overpriced liberal arts college in the Northeast. Late in your senior year at said institution, you realized that the soft drone in your ear wasn't a consequence of that drunken tumble down the basement stairs one night at a house party that you self-consciously laughed off at the time but that secretly really did hurt, but was instead the quiet, insufficiently enunciated age-old call of "Go West, young man". Upon graduating, you heeded that call and loaded up your Subaru, bought a tape adapter for your iPod, packed a generous eighth into your glovebox, and "took the northern route" to California.

Fast forward three years.

You've got five weeks left on your lease in Russian Hill, a silver BMW parked in the garage, a letter of acceptance to grad/business/law school at some large, overpriced private university in the Northeast, and the sinking feeling that you should have spent more time in nature and less time in terrible Marina bars, surrounded by vapid, terrible girls and your terrible steaky friends, during your time in California.

What to do?

Do what I'm doing this weekend: go to Yosemite.



Hike Half Dome, do a multi-day backpacking trip starting from Tuolumne Meadows, swim across Tanaya Lake, check out the wonders of the Valley floor...lots of stuff to do.


Yosemite is about 4 hours east of the City. If you don't own a car, rent one, hit up a friend with wheels to come along or consult the craigslist rideshare board. For more information on camping or other, fancier lodging, as well as all the necessary logistical info--directions, trails, points of interest, and so on--check here.